Once upon a time, in the big, bustling city of Vancouver, there lived a young girl who loved to go on many dates with many suitors. Indeed, Sally had gone on over 30 dates since moving to this vibrant city. Now it would be worthwhile to note that although Sally had not found her prince charming, she enjoyed these dates nonetheless and looked forward to her upcoming outing with a handsome suitor she had found online. This charming, young man had wooed Sally with his colorful and flattering inbox messages. She had gladly accepted when he proposed they meet for drinks on a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon. And so Sunday afternoon had arrived with the bright, warm sunshine that had been fore casted. Our dear Sally was sitting upon a wooden bench on the Isle of Granville, patiently waiting for her noble prince to arrive.
When finally he did arrive, 15 minutes late, young Sally was a little surprised to learn he looked quite different than he appeared online. The features were the same of course, but his hair was rather unkempt, his beard a wee bit scruffy, and his clothes were ... well, they were a little odd. One could say he appeared as if he belonged on the musical fields of Woodstock with a pipe of the purest tobacco in the land. For the faintest second, Sally thought about turning around and walking away ever so slowly, calmly and naturally. Instead, she reminded herself that one should never judge a book by its cover and so, she stood up to greet her new, offbeat suitor. If only she had walked away ...
The mismatched duo decided to dine on the fair patio of Sand Bar from which, it was rumored, one could see the stealth and cunning cougars in their natural habitat. They opted for simple appetizers and a lovely Shiraz to compliment the meal. Sally had initially protested the wine as she was scheduled to run a most difficult race the following day, however she changed her mind upon seeing her companion dig for treasures in his nasal cavity while ordering their meal. The two young lovers talked about his many travels, his life as an artist, his upbringing in Europe and they briefly discussed Sally's passion for running, however this quickly changed into a discussion about his recent running conquests. All in all, there was much ado about him and not much at all about her. Sally enjoyed learning about others as much as the next person, but she was beginning to see that this potential prince was most definitely a frog.
At every attempt to speak, Sally was rudely interrupted by this conceited man. He cut off her story of her childhood to talk about his, he ignored her explanation of her profession and explained his newest painting instead, and worst of all, he interrupted her one attempt at suggesting he let her finish a sentence. Sally had had enough. She looked over her shoulder to locate the washroom and tried to determine what the best exit strategy would be. She could excuse herself to the powder room, then jump over the hand railing next to the stairs to avoid him seeing her walk by the patio on her way out. No, it was too risky. The fall would break her legs. There was no way out. She had to remain in her seat until the bill came, at which point, she would hasten homeward.
The bill came, they walked out of the fine establishment and back into the now glaring, unbearable summer heat. Just as Sally was about to say sianara, her soon to be one-time date asked what direction she was walking in so that he might see her home. Sally paused for a moment and tried to think of the closest destination that she could pretend was her home so that she might rid herself of this retched man for once. Alas, she could not think of a suitable lie quick enough and thus pointed in the direction of home. As they walked along the channel of English Bay and Sally begrudgingly listened to his musings on artistic style, she thought to herself, "Oh might the Gods of love send a sea gull to defecate upon his horrid head!" Just as she began to feel the slightest twinge of guilt for wishing such an unpleasant experience on another human being, albeit an annoying one, he committed such an offending act so as to make Sally wish for a hundred thousand sea gulls to defecate on his head.
The shabbily clad gentleman had noticed the spiderweb tattoo on her right foot and had inquired as to it's meaning. Sally was initially stunned that he actually wished to know something about her, but she quickly recovered and explained that it was an homage to her grandmother who had passed away and who had loved to watch spiders weaving their webs outside her window. Upon hearing this heartfelt story, her suitor began to tell her jokes in the "Little Lucy" style which detailed the many, amusing (according to him) ways a grandmother might die. This was the last straw.
Sally could not, and would not spend one more minute with this self-absorbed, rude, arrogant and inappropriate man. He had previously mentioned that he lived just on the other side of the Burrard Bridge and so, Sally came to half as they were right in front of it. She pointed to the bridge and exclaimed "This is the bridge you need to take to go home. Walk up this street, turn left, then mount the ramp unto the bridge." Sally was not a confrontational person, and this direct, abrupt statement was as much as she could manage in the way of putting her foot down. Unfortunately, this statement was not abrupt enough as the naive gent decided to plant a kiss upon her firmly pressed lips. Sally moved nimbly to the side to avoid his projected lips and the next sound she heard was that of her hand smacking his face at warp speed. This time, it was he who was rather stunned and Sally took advantage of his brief, sudden silence and walked away.
As she strolled leisurely along the beaches of Kitsilano on her way home, she closed her eyes and listened to the beautiful sounds of the waves crashing against the sand. She smiled smugly as it reminded her of the sound of her hand crashing ever so forcefully into the pale, white cheek of her would-be prince. She carried on alone and lived happily ever after.
The End.
Until next time and happy fishing ;)
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