So long and thanks for all the fish!

I'm not sure why, but I don't think it really hit me until today that I'm leaving Vancouver for good.  I have been so focused on my upcoming train trip and the new life I'm anxiously waiting to start in Newfoundland, but I somehow managed to completely ignore everything I'm leaving behind.  I'll get back to dating in a moment, but let me just take some time to address the sadness I have been fighting off all day.

I think I may have mentioned in my previous post how difficult it was for me to decide to move back to Newfoundland.  Oddly enough, it wasn't the thought of leaving Vancouver behind me that made the decision difficult, it was the fear that I was somehow incapable of staying anywhere longterm without getting bored and running away.  It took me three months of contemplation before I was finally satisfied with my reasoning for wanting to move home.  I had already booked a ticket to go home for Christmas, but instead of simply moving back then (which would have been a hell of a lot cheaper), I decided I would "test the waters" over my Christmas holiday.  I thought maybe I just needed a relaxing break as I hadn't had one since the pre-olympic era of my life.  (I like to imagine that when the massive meteor hit earth millions of years ago during the pre-cambrian era or the jurassic period or whenever it was ... the dinosaurs probably felt like I did.  They were running around the earth choking on all the dirt in the air that had been churned up from the meteor and freezing from the lack of sunlight.  I was running around our warehouse choking on all the dirt that been churned up from the 10,000,000 boxes of red mittens that hit us and suffering from a vitamin D deficiency due to the 20 hour work days spent in the afore mentioned warehouse.  Pre-olympic, pre-cambrien ... po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe.)

It wasn't until a week into my Christmas vacation that I finally started to relax, and it was then I realized how much my life had changed over the past couple of years: In some ways for the better, but in other ways for the worse.  I spent a couple of days visiting my best friend who had just had a baby girl, and I couldn't believe how different her life was from mine.  She lived in a beautiful community surrounded by friends and family.  She had built a home for herself and her new family.  She had neighbors that she could actually borrow a cup of sugar from.  Life just seemed to move at a slower pace and I felt like I was actually living in the moment instead of constantly and frantically planning for tomorrow, next week, next month.  That's when I realized I wanted that kind of life for myself too.

Now don't get me wrong, once a workaholic ... always a workaholic. I'm not saying I want to plant myself on Fogo Island and have 12 children.  However, the thought of having my family and longtime friends around me, of having a family of my own, of spending weekends at my parents' cabin ... it just became too much to ignore.  I don't know if I will ever find a job that is as exciting or challenging at home, but no matter how much I love a job, it is never going to love me in return.  My family, on the other hand, will.

After all this festive soul searching, I still decided to give myself another two weeks back in Vancouver ... just to be 100% sure that this was what I wanted.  Obviously, it was.  And once I made the decision once and for all, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  It just felt right.  I felt so positive about the whole thing, and that feeling of certainty and conviction stayed with me until this morning.  That's when the first twinge of heartache hit.

I think I knew all along that at some point I would have to start saying goodbye to friends, coworkers, routines, habits, places, etc.  You don't just go from one side of the country to another, from one life to another, without giving something up.  But after saying my first goodbye today, I was struck with how much I am giving up.  It isn't just a job I'm leaving, it's the city where I went on my first online date (Shocking, I know ... you thought I'd been a pro for years now, didn't you?), where I trained for my first marathon, where I ran with the Olympic Torch, where I cursed and swore my entire way up the grouse grind, where I learned to love sushi, where I spent my first Christmas alone, where I cried tears of frustration at work more times than I can count, where I cried tears of laughter at work more times than I could count, where I sun tanned on the beach while looking at the snow capped mountains in the distance, and so much more.

None of this has made me second guess myself or regret my decision to leave.  To put it quite simply, it all feels very bittersweet.  Every twinge of excitement for the weeks and months to come is equaled by a twinge of grief for the life I'm leaving behind.  I know this is probably way more than what you bargained for from an online dating blog, and I apologize if you feel you've been cheated out of a light-hearted read.  I promise I will have many, fun-filled dating adventures to report back on once I've reached my native land!  However, Vancouver has been good to me and I feel I owe her a proper send off.  In the ever ingenious words of Douglas Adams ... So long and thanks for all the fish!

Until next time and happy fishing ;)