He loves me, he loves me not

Know what the greatest thing about online dating sites is?  The very first thing question you have to answer, and one of the very first things you see displayed on every profile is the following:

Hugs4U is looking for X.

X could be a relationship, dating but nothing serious, long term, hang out, sexual encounters, you name it!  You can know before ever meeting someone what their intent is.  This is one of the greatest advantages of online dating.  But it only gets you so far!  Once you meet someone face to face and bring that relationship into reality, the usual suspects come out to play.  One of these usual suspects is communication ... or lack thereof.

If there is one thing I've learned in my short life (and I mean one thing above all other things, one thing that is truer than any other universal truth in existence), it is that communication is the key to everything, and the lack of it is the biggest problem facing most relationships to date.  An article by Alina Ruigrok puts it nicely, "Communication isn't about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each other's perspective, so that you can be on the page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments."  Now, there are some ambiguities as to what communication actually means so let's be clear here.  The Dictionary.com definition (at least the one that pertains to my topic) is as follows:

The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

This, my friends, is important.  I have listened to countless friends, acquaintances, colleagues, drunk girls in bar washrooms, all complain about how they have no idea if Joe Blow is really interested in them, or what Joe Blow really means when he said "I don't know ... let's do whatever you want to do.", or my all time favorite, "I don't know if we're in a relationship or if we're just friends with benefits."  And it's not just girls!  I've heard many guy friends say "I asked her what was wrong, but she said nothing, so I left it at that!"

Take a minute and think about how much of your time you spend wondering what someone really thinks of you, or what someone really meant by a certain comment, or what someone would say if you asked a certain question.  I bet it's a LOT of time.  Now, I am willing to bet girls probably spend much more time wondering about this stuff than guys do ... but that's because girls generally spend more time thinking :)

Why are we all so afraid to just quit beating around the bush and tell it like it is?  Why do we spend days, weeks, months even wasting time and energy worrying about something that could be solved with one simple discussion?  Well, it's quite simple actually.  Nobody likes to be vulnerable.  And sometimes, we think it's easier not knowing what the other person really thinks or wants instead of facing the harsh reality.  But is it really easier?  Let's get specific.

Readers, meet Jane.  Jane is your typical girl.  Jane met Joe about 6 weeks ago and they have spent quite a bit of time together ever since.  They've gone out to dinner, gone for walks on the beach with coffee, gone to the movies, cooked dinner at home, gone to first, second,  and third base and recently brought it allllllll the way home!  Jane is smitten with Joe.  Joe thinks Jane is pretty awesome.  Jane, like most girls, does not call or text Joe at random like she would most people because she likes Joe, and therefore doesn't want Joe to know that she likes him, unless Joe came right out and said he liked Jane, in which case Jane would totally confess her feelings for Joe as well.  Joe doesn't ever refer to Jane as his girlfriend or call her that often because he gets the feeling she doesn't really like him THAT much based on her behavior, but he doesn't want to ask her about it either because it might ruin the good thing that he's got going now.  Jane constantly wonders whether Joe really likes her or not and analyzes everything he says or does to try and determine what his real motives are.  (Of course, this is while she is simultaneously covering up her own feelings and trying to appear aloof about the whole thing in case he really doesn't care.)  Joe has so much fun with Jane every time he sees her and would love to take it to the next level, but is pretty sure she isn't into him like that and will thus refrain from rocking the boat.

Are you confused yet?  Dude, I just came up with that and wrote the paragraph, and I'm confused!  No wonder Jane and Joe are confused!  It could all be so much simpler if Jane or Joe would just casually open up about what their intentions are and where they see it going.  Nobody has to profess their undying love!  We're all adults!  It's about setting realistic expectations so both people know where they stand and whether or not they should move forward.  Let's go back to Jane and Joe.

Jane: Joe, I've had a really great time over the past few weeks.  I think you're awesome and I just feel like I should be honest so we're both on the same level here.  I'm not looking for a "friends with benefits" type of thing.  If I'm going to give up my happy, single life ... it would have to be for someone who is willing to take me seriously and who is at least open to the possibility of a relationship so ... if you feel the same way, then great!  Let's see where this goes!  Otherwise, if you're only looking for something casual, no harm feelings, but I'm going to have to back out now because it won't be fair to either of us.

Now this could result in two scenarios:

Scenario 1:

Joe: *stares blankly for a few minutes* Umm ... yeah.  I mean, I was kind of wondering about that as well.  I think you're awesome, so let's see where it goes!

Scenario 2:

Joe: Well, I'm not really looking for anything serious right now.  I think you're a great girl, but if you are looking for a relationship then maybe this isn't for the best.

If Scenario 1 happens, no more worrying, no more analyzing.  Jane and Joe can now both focus all their energy on simply being themselves and enjoying each other, knowing the other person feels the same way they do.  If Scenario 2 happens, both Jane and Joe can stop wasting time on someone who isn't going to give them what they are looking for in life, and instead be open to others who could fulfill this role much more adequately.  Yes ... it would sting a little a first.  No one likes to be rejected.  But is this really so much worse than weeks/months of unending, analytical torture?  Of wondering if Jane/Joe really cares about you? Of trying to decipher every last text message?

Why don't we all do ourselves a small, but powerful favor and just tell the other person what we are thinking. Not exactly, not the gory, detailed, "I envision you with my babies" daydreams ... but a condensed, simpler version that lets both of you know exactly where the other person stands and whether or not you should move forward, or cut your losses and run.

Communication is key.  Tell a friend.

Until next time and happy fishing ;)